Written word

​I read the message over and over again. It isn’t long. It doesn’t use many words and yet it says them all. Of course we have spoken about this and in a way all was already said. Still, I read it over and over again. I guess it has more impact when it is written, when you can see it, when it reminds you of everything that happened before that message.

It reminds me of the first time I saw you, how you were wearing those ridiculous glasses that hid your beautiful eyes. It reminds me of the first dinner we had together and our first kiss across that table, our first of many tables. It reminds me of all the bottles of wine we drank, all the meals I cooked for you and how even when they I experimented and they ended up disgusting you said they were delicious. It reminds me of all the CDs we listened to together and the ones we listened separately, the new movies we watched together and the movies we rewatched, just to end up ignoring them.

I read the message and you have signed it. This is the first message you have signed. I know exactly what that means. It is why there are no further messages and why there will never be another cheeky response from me, ever again. It is also a message with no compliment on your part, no term of endearment. It was so long ago since you called me darling that I no longer know if I will ever feel that smile surprising me every time I heard your tone full of love when you said it.

I read the message and sometimes I find it hard to believe that we got to this point. When something starts like us, you don’t imagine it’s going to end. Not with a start like ours it can’t. After all these years together, sharing our built lives and forging a new present and future it didn’t seem possible to find ourselves where we are now. And yet… It’s all there. The good and the bad. Mostly good. I still smile with certain memories, I think I always will. The fondness that surrounds our life will endure time and hurt.

I read the message over and over again and it reminds me that we loved, that we lived.